fractalnavel

fine, you want to spam me ? you want advertising space on my web, in my inbox, or time on my phone ?  here's my rates:

• website: $10,000 per word for each of the first 100 words posted (by any means) for your product.  bulk premiums are available!  the rate for each additional block of 100 words is factor of ten times the previous block's rate.  applicable rates are calculated based on usage within the preceding 365 days.
• email: $1 for the first word, doubling for each additional word, rates based on 365 day usage as above.
• desktop (popups, etc.): $1 per pixel per event.  animation, color change or any other dynamic effect or movement will be calculated as new pixels appear.  example 1: 5 seconds of 30 frames per second for a 300 x 300 pixel frame is $13,500,000.  example 2: 300 x 300 pixel image moved 300 pixels, 1 pixel at a time is $9,000,000.
• telephone: $1000 / second.  times 2 for credit or vacation solicitations.  times 5 if it's a foreign national on the line.  times 10 if you can't get my name right.  times 100 if it's not even my name.
• instancing surcharge: notwithstanding content rates as set forth above, each actual occurrence of usage is subject to a charge of $10,000.
• miscellany: log file space, cpu time and other resources consumed by break-in attempts of any sort (by virii, worms, trojans, persons, etc.) will be charged at rates comparable to the foregoing.
• administrative charges: all clean up, log file analysis, research, communications or other activity associated with responding to the above will be charged on a time and materials basis.  hourly rates begin at $10,000, rising with each additional hour per event.  the nature and duration of an event, and the rate of rate increase, will be determined according to my whim.

rates are subject to arbitrary change without notice or logic. for instance, i think i'll use bytes instead if words in my calculations. apply a factor of ten for anything concerning drugs, gambling, investment or sex.  audience for and duration of placement of content will be minimized and will be zero whenever possible.  usage of any of these resources constitutes acceptance of these terms.  please remit payment at .  late fees are 20% of the total outstanding charge per day. payment is due at the time of event; prepayment is accepted.

this is not a solicitation for business nor an advertisement of goods or services.  in the spirit of “you break it, you buy it” these are the costs for intruding on my space.

as for “existing business relationships”, if i in my sole discretion have explicitly requested (as determined by me) or posted the above materials, any fees are waived.