April 2007 - Posts

Top 10 Celebrity Butterfaces

Another posting from my friend Lou. Now I'm not a person who worships celebrities but I found this email really funny. It was in response to a web site that listed the top 10 women celebrities with great bodies but ugly mugs. Think Cameron Diaz.

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What no Cameron Diaz?

Hilary Swank is scary. Almost salvageable sometimes but scary. I just saw her on a Punked! episode getting pranked at Comicon. Why she was there, who knows. Definitely doesn't stand out in a crowd as a movie star or even one of the hotter booth babes for that matter.

Haylie (or whatever) Duff is just a bit long and horsefaced. Her nose really needs to be bob'd. It makes her look like a bastard child of Bob Hope. Also depoint the chin a bit too. Stark difference from her older sister who has a flatter nose (maybe it was job'd before she got famous?) and will age into a more chunky round woman over time. Still if you can get them both drunk and in bed at once go for it.

April Scott looks like she's got the same defect as Iron Maiden's drummer Nico McBrain. My grandmother used to say that people like that (with an extremely flat or recurved upper nose) were dropped when they were babies. She wasn't joking, its like an old wives tale. April looks like she broke her nose flat on and never got it reset. otherwise, total hottie.

Christina Ricci: The enormous forehead returns. There's a reason Depp and Del Torro cringed when they saw her in the street scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. She is a living goth bobblehead.

Lisa Rinna: Shinea UV light and her lips say Inflate to 60 psi on them.
Seriously, it looks like she gave head to a curling iron to get so much bad tissue. She used to look hotter years and years ago. Now she just looks sad and sun damaged. Fix those fish lips and let her age gracefully for once. Sad really, cause she really is one of the nicest actresses in Hollywood.

Loos? wtf? She's British so shave that pointed beak of a nose and do something about the under eye fat pads. Also Brit women are statistically 2 inches wider and on her it shows. lipo the sides a bit, boobs look nice. I'm not even gonna check her teeth.

Tori Spelling: Just kill me. Hell, that should be the name of her next tv show. I think she's been under the knife for everything except her face.
I would have started there back when she was 14 doing guest shots on her daddy's many TV productions. Horse faced, way too long for her. Bad cheekbone placement, nose is completely wrong and unfeminine. Her brother in drag would look better than her. So sad. Makes you wonder about the looser that married her hmm. She's probably a world class fuck in compensation.

Vida Guerra: Ass for days, nice rack, a but chunky but with the face of one of those starving "save the children" Mexican girls all grown up. Passable but you know she's gonna look more and more like a Tijuana crack whore as she ages. She has that fat grandma in a moo moo tent gene gaining on her.

Carmit: wtf? is that Carmen meets Kermit de frog?. The Pussycat Doll looks "hot at a distance" and exotic from a well chosen angle. Notice how they hide her chin behind her shoulder? Then bham! She looks like a bad transvestite. Nose wrong, way too strong. Chin pointy and witch like in its pitch. Lips overinflated, worsening her horse sized teeth. This is Scary pussy no doubt. Frankenstein wouldn't wish for a gf hot like her.

Fergie: They told her she was cute when she was a small child and tried to make a child singer out of her. She was naive and still believes her own hype. At best she looks like a housewife who drinks to relieve the pain of her failed marriage while watching soaps and doing chores. At worst she's bucking for the Ellen Bursten acting roles where she can age into a drunken old homeless lady that nobody wants to even think about hitting on.

Nikki Cox: tragedy, as shes aging she is starting to look like The Joker with big fish lips. Get her out of the sun, being a redhead has finally caught up with her and she's starting to take on skin damage and look clownish. I'll always remember her though as the little six fingered alien girl Sarjenka in Trek Next Gen that Mr. Data would chat with on the radio when nobody was looking.  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0708754/

Gina Gershon: The only one who could pull off having those fat lips naturally. If she got suckered into having collagen injected then they'd be way too big to be good. If she's natural or if they've gone down with age, I wouldn't change a thing about her. Except for having all the lesbian lust after her because some of her edgy roles make them think she's gay. That would be such a tragedy, I'd gladly trade 2 Fergies to their team if I could keep one Gina.

Chloe Sevigny: Can't recall her looks, just that shes pretty plain and average. I did see a pic of the so called indie "artist" director that she blew for the film. Yeah baby, you'd go a lot farther with much better guys if you just gave in and did good porn instead of pretending you're an actress and they're art films. That scummy guy gives us hope. I should become an indie director, just for the fringe benefits and casting couches....

If Haylie Duff was a lesbian, would her nose be considered a sex toy?

 

Posted by Craig

Jack Valenti finally kicked the bucket

Not sure if anybody knows who Jack Valenti was. He was the biggest Hollywood lobbyist and head of the MPAA. He was the one responsible for our current movie rating system. Basically he was an all around dickhead that has been ruining the movie industry. My friend Lou wrote a good email on this guy and why the rating system is so important to the under 17 crowd, which are the main movie goers today. The question started out why is the NC-17 rating so bad.

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Of course the majority are under 17. Just like the majority of back seat car sex is done by the young. Sure, you'd just get a hotel room or use your house/apt. bedroom instead. So there is no real market for grown adults to care about making out in the back seats of cars and thus most cars have shitty if not nonexistent backseats. Note that the new boxy car/truck/van utility vehicles that GM is marketing directly to 1st time buyer kids have large "cargo area" back ends. And didn't all the cool custom fullsize vans in the 70's have waterbeds in the back? Why? To address a market demand that was not being serviced. Likewise, we have this modern idea of investing in a high end stereo in the car. Its become second nature to us because west coast'ers spend shitloads of hours in traffic jams where they can do nothing but listen to music. Eventually you say fuck it, I've got a better component system in the house that I'd rather listen to. The stereo in the car was mostly because the kid is in the car with his girl because he has no true space of his own outside of parental supervision. So we sell the kids on the dream of sex; a car with a big back make out space. a quality auto stereo to attract, impress and entertain the babes, and a movie to drive them to as a socially accepted excuse to be alone in the dark with them for a while. One that causes them to be in the car at least twice that evening yielding multiple chances to advance the cause.

So, the adult looks at the back seat and says, why? I gotta real room and could rent a more specialized one too. An adult looks at the car stereo and goes nice, but I got massive surround sound high end unit in the house with a comfy recliner and kitchen full of food to go with it. The adult then looks at the movie and goes big screen, maybe if its a special event but at home I got THX audio on that kick ass hi fi I just mentioned, all the food I want for cheep, my own wide screen with a better view and no interruptions & no shushing if I wanna talk during the show, stop action control so I don't miss a scene when I gotta go pee, and that bedroom in case my girl wants to conveniently make out afterward (plus that kitchen may get her to cook for me beforehand too). Shit man, when you have all that at home why do you need the cheap ass theater anymore? Its not like you're taking her to The Fox for a live show in a real showpalace for the novelty of the experience.

Meanwhile the under 18 yr. old is practically guaranteed to live at home with parents, have no party / mating space of their own, lacks the audio/video gear for the presentation, lacks the bedroom access without risking major penalties and lastly is courting a female who's sex drive won't match his until she hits 31 and thus needs the social rituals and diversions of the theater dating experience to be drawn into potential sex like a pawn in a chess game because of it. He's a captive market and doesn't even know it. Her too.

The R rating was bad enough, Valenti (the bastard) by sticking this NC-17 rating out there now causes you to loose up to 50% of your theater audience base just because someone says shit three times instead of two times. What great metrics these butt-munches abuse. So now you're film storyline is compromised to retain market share. This also can explain why the DVD may be a different, earlier edit that is harsher than the theater one cause nobody gives a shit what a film is rated when you're buying or renting it on disc. In fact, thats an added sales point. The oow factor expressed with either a more mature rating sticker on the disc or by having "bonus" material or alternate versions available on board.  All compensating for this prick's "smart move".

Posted by Craig
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