Craig's Blog : Humor

In a perfect world

craigg75 — Wed, 09 Nov 2005 15:31:00 GMT

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."

The next day, someone stole it.

Heavy metal cat

craigg75 — Sat, 15 Oct 2005 12:16:00 GMT

Comic strip authors April fools joke?

craigg75 — Fri, 01 Apr 2005 12:40:00 GMT

Spam before skiing

craigg75 — Thu, 13 Jan 2005 21:04:00 GMT

I'm off to Utah with Annette and Kenzie to ski (my first time). Wish me luck, say a prayer to the J man for me. Here's the mountain we'll be skiing on http://www.powdermountain.com/ and the hotel http://theredmooselodge.com/ we'll be staying in. Hopefully I'll have some pics and a story or two to bring back.

Now for some spam (pulled from my favorite time waster blog - http://growabrain.typepad.com/)

What the highways would like after the apocalypse cleanses this planet:
http://www.jersey.net/~khjc/pa-turnpike.htm

For those who are bored with life:
http://www.brokenoff.com/silver.html

Get drunk, call this phone number, sober up and listen to your ramblings. Just when I think the usefulness of the internet is finished, up pops something like this:
http://www.slackertown.com/drunk_dial.html

Reminds me of an old MTV video (I think the band was A-ha?)
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/invisibilia.html

How to survive the a-bomb (sounds like one of those books in Carlin's list, except it's real):
http://foody.org/atomic/atomic00.html

I've always been a propaganda admirer. It's a skill to write propaganda, not everyone can do it (or for that matter sleep at night):
http://www.calvin.edu/academic/cas/gpa/posters2.htm
http://www.st-andrews.ac.uk/~pv/pv/courses/posters/posters.html
http://www.poster.s.cz/listy/russ1.htm
http://www.idlewords.com/polskie_plakaty_1.htm

I'm sorry for providing this link:
http://www.compleatsteve.com/essays/apology.htm

Medical disclaimer

craigg75 — Tue, 04 Jan 2005 16:45:00 GMT

I'm still waiting for the next “hard on” pill commercial to say something like this just to test if we're listening --

May cause cirrhosis of the liver, inflammation of the brain, heart damage, pancreatic damage, kidney damage, spleen implosion or explosion, thyroid combustion, severe nasal hair growth, blindness, eruptia, pregnancy, infertility, fecal incontinence, impotence, loss of genitalia and/or hermaphroditism, hair loss, skin blemishes, bone deformity, throat cancer, ulcers, hangnails, bladder leakage, sores, scabs, elephantiasis, hepatitis, conjunctivitis, gingivitis, appendicitis, bronchitis, and/or athlete's foot. Your mileage may vary.

Today's recipient for "Get A Life" award goes to...

craigg75 — Tue, 02 Nov 2004 16:20:00 GMT

This guy took a 1979 Toyota Corolla radiator and hooked it up to his water cooled overclocked cpu so he could frag his gaming buddies faster --

http://www.winbeta.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=6594

Choke

craigg75 — Thu, 28 Oct 2004 15:25:00 GMT

Today the American Medical Association issued an advisory that the Universal Choking Sign has been revised.

Old symbol:

New symbol:

Neandertal souls?

craigg75 — Wed, 13 Oct 2004 16:10:00 GMT

So I've been reading this book Hominids by Robert Sawyer. As usual he's put together a good story. About a parallel universe in which the Neandertals became the dominant Homo species instead of us. So one them gets transported over to our universe with a wave of the scifi author's magic wand and so ensues the story. The part I just read about was the Neandertal's discovering religion since his universe had no concept of religion. So my question is this -- If we all agree that all life evolved from self-organizing molecules, who was the first human to have a soul? Did the Neandertals (in our universe) have souls? If so why did god allow them to go extinct? So I guess we need to agree on what a soul is. My guess it is something only human beings have apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. So maybe it has something to do with self-awareness, foresight, enlarged cerebral cortex? Or maybe it has a lot to do with our godspot, our ability to perceive a god? I don't see too many dolphins going off to church or praying to the almighty oil tanker. So are souls another made up fairy tale that most religions like to espouse? So what if you were the first caveman to have a soul. You end up in heaven with god and ... well nobody else is there ... yet. Dang all of these clouds and angels, what am I going to do to pass the time? I'd rather be in hell, at least there I'd have something to do..haha. Which reminds me of a joke. Bill Gates dies, goes to heaven and god gives him a choice Heaven or Hell. Even better he says heck you can have a 30 day trial version of each. So Bill checks out Heaven first, seems to be nice and comfortable and well ..a bit boring. So he checks out Hell. Wall to wall babes, a sunny beach, women's sand volleyball, tropical drinks. Great he says, I choose Hell. So god says okay, and sends him to Hell, where he ends up being tortured endlessly by devils and the whole works. So god checks in on the fallen angel and Bill screams “hey this isn't what you showed me!”. God replies “oh hi Bill, sorry but that was the beta version”. Waw waw waaaaaaaw!!!

Pay up

craigg75 — Fri, 30 Apr 2004 18:57:00 GMT

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Enjoy paying your taxes--they're due again.

You know you're from St.Louis when..

craigg75 — Wed, 14 Apr 2004 14:53:00 GMT

Similar lists exist for Cincinnati and rednecks and they both ring as true as this list --

You Know you're from St. Louis if:

You love toasted ravioli with Budweiser beer.
"Vacation" is a choice between Silver Dollar City and Lake of the Ozarks.
You can find Pestalozzi Street by aroma alone.(the street by the brewery)
You can get anywhere in 20 minutes, except on highway 40.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years AFTER they were popular.
You can debate for 30 minutes whether Missouri Baking or Marge Amighetti makes the best Italian bread.
You know what "Party Cove" is, and where the "lake" is.
You still can't believe the Arena is gone.
Your first question to a new person is, "Where did you go to High School?"
Your non-St. Louisan friends always ask if you're aware there is no "r" in "wash."
You know at least one person who's gotten hurt at Johnson Shut-ins.
You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
You think the four major food groups are Beef, Pork, Budweiser and Imo's.
You've had to switch from heat to AC in the same day.
You know there are really only three salad dressings: Imo's, Zia's and Rich and Charlie's.
You'll pay for your kid to go to college unless they want to go to KU.
You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch, in the summer, during a thunderstorm.
You would rather have a root canal without anesthetic than drive on Manchester on a Saturday afternoon.
It just doesn't seem like a wedding without mostaciolli. AND YOU PRONOUNCE IT 'MUSKACHOLLI'. The balance of the menu is ham, boiled roast beef, string beans with ham and of course pitchers of Busch Bavarian (class weddings have Bud)
You know, within a three-mile radius, where another St. Louisan grew up as soon as they open their mouth.
You know what a Pork Steak is...and what kind of sauce to put on it!
Everyone in your family has floated the Meramec River at least once.
A hoosier is someone that lives just south of Chouteau, not a person from Indiana.
You have made fun of Mike Shanahan and tried to imitate him ordering another cold, frosty Busch Bavarian Beer.
You have listened to Mike's broadcast on KMOX, while watching the game on TV and wonder what game he is watching. A tear forms in your eye as someone mentions their favorite Jack Buck story.
You've ever said, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity."
Your favorite summer treat is handed to you upside-down (Ted Drewe's - YUM!)

Egoware

craigg75 — Thu, 01 Apr 2004 19:21:00 GMT

I came across a word today - egoware. I like it because I write a LOT of egoware on my own time. I define egoware as the following:

* Software that's indulgently written, heavy in the “it feels right so I'm writing it this way” light on proper coding techniques.
* Software that really has no use other than to go “wow” that was cool.
* Software that could easily be downloaded off of some freeware site instead of written by hand.
* Software written in order to learn new techniques. That borders on “eduware” though.

Does anyone remember sniglets? Words that should exist to describe something that currently has no word assigned to it. Re: egoware. It was an 80's thing, long gone, how sad, I enjoyed them.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0020125305/102-2936717-2144968?v=glance
http://bertc.com/sniglets.htm (whats with cow girl picture?)
http://www.sniglets.com/ (don't hire this company - no one could be more of an idiot than to name their company sniglet)

Today's quandray

craigg75 — Fri, 13 Feb 2004 15:50:00 GMT

So if someone is a seasoned linux user do they also know the kernel's secret blend of herbs and spices?

Cancelled

craigg75 — Wed, 04 Feb 2004 17:29:00 GMT

It has been decided that the end of the Universe will be cancelled until further notice. Thank you for your fearful attention.

The Management

Just a wafer thin mint....

craigg75 — Thu, 29 Jan 2004 18:45:00 GMT

Check out the guy to the right - “uh I dink I buy new scooter tommorow“

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/040129/photos_od/mdf459693

Vote for me or the kitty gets it!!

craigg75 — Wed, 28 Jan 2004 14:05:00 GMT